Script: ALAN GRANT Art: Lettering:

PAGE 1

1. Two-thirds of apage. The front page of a tabloid newspaper - the DAILY SCOTTY, maybe witha tartan logo. It’s almost entirely taken up with a full-lengthphotograph of Middenface McNulty, in heavy chains and shackles, snarlingand cursing with rage at whoever took the photo. He shouldlook ugly, dangerous, near-psychotic. He can wear either a kilt ortrousers, with a tartan plaid slung over his shoulder.

HEADLINE: THE GRANNIBAL!

SUB-HEAD: MUTANT OUTLAWTO HANG!

COPY: Archibald "Middenface" McNulty - themutated monster who ate his own grandmother - has been sentenced to death at Edinburgh HighCourt. (continued, Page 2)

FLASH: Found Guilty On 117 SeriousCharges - Full List, Page 11

FLASH: WIN A DEEP-FRIED MARSBAR...EVERY DAY FOR LIFE! See Page 3!

2.Small. Close shot of Middenface’s hand, holding a pen, starting to writea letter.

***LETTERER: Middenface’s handwriting should be characterful,if sloppy; maybe a few doodles here and there. But it also needs to be easily readable.

WRITING: DearAuntie Jessie,

Howare ye? Weel, I hope, despite this cauld weather. I’m sure ye read allaboot my case in the papers--

3. Pull back to revealMiddenface is languishing in a Spartan (though somehow feeling futuristic)jail cell, writing a letter at a small table. Graffiti scrawled on thewalls by previous inmates might include: DRUGS? JUST SAY "HOWMUCH?" (by an odious stain) BIG DUNKS SHAT HERE WANT A GOOD TIME? EMIGRATE!

WRITING CAPTION: --the lyin’ tabloidtoerags! They’ll say onnything tae mak’ a sale. But let me tell ye whit really happened...

PAGES 2, 3 and 4

1. Start FLASHBACK sequence. Exterior,day, Scottish Highlands. A couple of small tents stand on a flat area onthe banks of a stream which tumbles down a rocky ravine. Four HOVERBIKES(of the kind used elsewhere in Strontium Dog stories) zoom into the small camp, each carrying two uniformed cops; the cops are shootingdead the two mutants who stagger from the tents: BAWHEID (who has a headlike a football) and BRAVEFART (who has a large arse). The muties haveguns in their hands, but their shots go wild as they falldead.

WRITING CAP: We were camped oot, hidin’ frae the polis.Me an’ the Black Douglas were on breakfast duty. Butwhen we got back tae camp--

COP: DEAD OR ALIVE, MUTIE - AN’ WEDON’T CARE WHICH!

2. Middenface andBLACK DOUGLAS (his flesh looks like it’s been burned off, he’s allcharred) come upon the scene.

Each has acouple of rabbits hanging over his shoulder. The nearest cop points atthem.

MIDDENFACE: BY THE PIPERS O’ HELL! THEPOLIS!

COP: THERE’S THE REST OF THE GANG!

LINK: SURRENDER OR DIE!

3.The cops open fire, but Midden and Douglas dodge the shots (or beams),firing back at, and killing, the nearest pair of cops.

MIDDENFACE: SOOK MA CHOOK, FLATFOOT!

DOUGLAS: HOW’S THIS FER MINCE?

4. Thenearest pair of cops are dead, fallen from their hoverbike. Middenface andDouglas sprint towards the bike, beams or shots zapping around them.

MIDDEN: THERE’S NOTHIN’ WE CAN DAE FER BAWHEID AN’ BRAVEFART!

LINK: GET THE BIKE!

5. Middenface and Douglas have leapt on thehoverbike/platform, with Midden driving. They streak away up the gully witha couple of the other bikes/cops in pursuit. Shots are still beingexchanged. We might see a few bemused sheep.

DOUGLAS: HOME, JAMES -AN’ DINNAE SPARE THE HORSES!

6. OnMiddenface and Douglas, who’s looking back over his shoulder. Theirhoverer is heading directly towards a steep, craggy rise maybe 50 feethigh, over which the stream pours in a churning waterfall.

DOUGLAS: TWA O’ THEM IN PURSUIT!

MIDDEN: THEN HAUD ON TAE YER Y-FRONTS, BOY--

7.Side-on shot. At speed, Middenface sends the hoverer screaming up the faceof the waterfall.

MIDDEN: WE’RE GOIN’UP IN THE WORLD!

8. Onthe pursuing cop hoverers. One of them manages to make the steep upwardturn, and goes shooting up the waterfall. The second hoverer fails, andcrashes into the cliff face, exploding in a fireball laced with debris andcop body parts. WHOOMPP! NO DIALOG.

9. At the top of the waterfall. As Middenface’shoverbike flattens out, Douglas leans back to toss a grenade.

DOUGLAS: SAY "CHEESE", LADS!

10.Halfway up the waterfall, the descending grenade meets the ascendinghoverer, and explodes. Two more of Scotland’s finest die. McBOOOM! NO DIALOG.

11. Middenface and Douglas speed on, to lose themselves inthe mountains.

WRITING CAP: Half o’ Scotland would be lookin’fer us, with orders tae shoot on sight. We needed a hide-oot, an’ quick--

12. They ridetowards an isolated croft house in an idyllic location, backed bysnow-capped mountains. A sign says GRANNY’S HEELAND HAME. There mightbe a barbed wire fence around the place, and another sign saying MINEFIELD- KEEP OOT, OR HOP HAME.

WRITING CAP: The only place I could thinko’ was Granny’s--

13. Small headshotgrinning Middenface, as he sticks his head round the open front door.

MIDDENFACE: HEELYA-HO, GRANNY!

14.Interior of the croft house. It’s one large room. A big cauldron of soup(and I mean big - see later) is supported over a smouldering peat fire;there might be a small stepladder by the cauldron, for easier access tostirring the pot. Granny’s knitting lies by her rockingchair. But of Granny herself there is no sign as Middenface and Douglasenter.

WRITING CAP: But the place was deserted--

MIDDEN: NAEBODY HERE!

DOUGLAS: JINGS! IT’S LIKE THE MARIE CELESTE..!

PAGES 5and 6

1. Two-shot, Middenface and Douglas.

DOUGLAS: YER GRANNY’SGOT THE SECOND SIGHT, HASN’T SHE? MAYBESHE SAW US COMIN’, AN’ BEAT IT!

MIDDEN: MAIR LIKELY TOSTAY AN’ BEAT ME, THE AULD WITCH!

2. Now Middenface stands on the small stepladder,ladling some soup into a big bowl. Douglas is already seated, scoffing hisown large bowl of soup.

WRITING CAP: So we had a bowl of soup, an’waited. An’ waited. An’ waited.

3.Later. Middenface has pulled up a trapdoor in the floor, revealing a smallcellar absolutely stuffed with bottles of whisky; most bear home-madelabels, like AULD KNOCKYEOOT, GRANNY’S WINTER WARMER, 120 PROOF,etc.

Middenface holds a bottle in hishand, looking at it longingly.

WRITING CAP: In the end, we had naeoption but tae raid her whisky cellar--

MIDDEN: GRANNY’LL MELT ME FER THIS - BUT SOMETIMES, A MAN JUST NEEDS A DRINK..!

4.Middenface and Douglas are seated again, dozens of empty whisky bottlesaround them. They both look pretty drunk. Maybe one of them is pouringwhisky into their bowls of soup.

WRITING CAP: For the next week, weate soup an’ drank whisky--

5.Close on drunken Middenface. He’s atop the small stepladder, dipping theladle deep into the cauldron. He looks surprised and shocked.

WRITING CAP: An’ then--

MIDDEN: HOLY FLAMIN’ GOALIES!

6. Largest on the two pages. Seen from Middenface’sPOV as he looks into the cauldron. The soup level is now well down, and wecan see a grinning skull and skeletal bones protruding from the nourishingliquid.

MIDDEN: GRANNY!

7. Headshot distressed Middenface.

MIDDEN: SHEMUST’VE SLIPPED WHEN SHE WAS STIRRIN’THE POT! AN’ FER THE BEST PART

O’ A WEEK, WE’VE BEEN...

LINK: BEEN...

8. Same headshot,only now Middenface is retching violently. BLUUUUUU! NODIALOG.

9. Exterior shot. Atop a smallhill behind the croft. Middenface and Douglas stand by a crude wooden gravemarker. This could be a semi-distance or a silhouette shot.

WRITING CAP: We buried her with honours, up oan the hill--

DOUGLAS: I’LLSAY ONE THING FER YER GRANNY, MIDDENFACE--

10. Close on them, standing by a crude wooden grave marker withGRANNY McNULTY carved or written on it.

DOUGLAS: SHE MADE GOOD SOUP!

PAGES 7, 8, 9 and10

1. Larger shot. Suddenly half a dozen cops dressed in camouflage gear maketheir presence felt, attacking Midden and Douglas with batons. Our heroesgo down under the rain of blows.

WRITING CAP: If we hadnae been sodrunk, we’d have spotted the polis a mile off--

COP: TAKETHEM ALIVE!

2. Cut to...a female pairof hands, Aunt Jessie’s, holding Middenface’s letter.

WRITING CAP: They hang me on Friday. Could ye let Morag an’ the boys know?Meanwhile, dinnae think too badly o’ me. Your nephew, Middenface McNulty

3. Pull back, to reveal that Aunt Jessie is also aprisoner in a jail cell.

WRITING CAP: P.S. Bad luck gettin’caught on that arms-dealin’ charge.

4.Close shot as Auntie Jessie starts to write a letter. We only see the startof it.

WRITING SFX: Dear Morag,

5.Cut to...day, exterior shot of Edinburgh Castle. Two gallows have beenerected on the ramparts, Midden and Douglas standing under them. Theirhands are tied behind their backs. A minister rants away. A crowd watches.Cops in attendance.

MINISTER: I BESEECH YOU, O LORD - RECEIVE THESOULS OF THESE TWO EVIL MONSTERS--

6.Close shot. Middenface headbutts the minister in the face. BUTT!

MIDDEN: SHUT YER GUB, GODBOY!

LINK: I’M MIBBE GONNAEHANG, BUT I DINNAE NEED NAE BESEECHES FRAE YOU!

7.Animatedly, Middenface addresses the crowd (all norms, by the way).

MIDDEN: YE THINK I’M A MONSTER. BUT I WOULDNAE HAVE HARMED AHAIR ON THAT WUMMAN’S HEID! I LOVED MY GRANNY--

LINK: AS MUCH AS ONNY MAN CAN LOVESOMEBODY THAT BEAT THEM DAILY WI’ A SOUPLADLE!

8. Small headshotMiddenface.

MIDDEN: YE THINK I’M DIFFERENT BECAUSE I’M A MUTIE. BUT PRICK ME, AN’ DAE I NO’ BLEED? TICKLE ME - DAE I NO’ LAUGH? KNEE ME IN THE KNACKS - AN’ DAE I NO’ CAUSE YE TERRIBLEDAMAGE?

LINK: THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US IS MYLUMPS...AN’ MIBBE 117 SERIOUS CHARGES!

9. A couple ofcops step forward, roughly putting the rope nooses round our heroes’necks. Middenface turns to look at Douglas.

COP: ALL RIGHT,THAT’S ENOUGH!

MIDDEN: ARE YE READY FER ONE LAST CHORUS,DOUGLAS?

DOUGLAS: AYE, MAN. TAK’ IT AWA’!

10. Close front-onshot. Middenface and Douglas start to sing - but a beam or shot comes intopanel from off, neatly severing both of the ropes just above their heads.ZAAPPP!

MIDDEN/DOUGLAS: THERE WAS A MUTIE, A SCOTTISH BEAUTY, WHO--

(musical notes)

11. Fairly large. MORAG and several other mutants have zoomed downholding onto anti-grav chutes (see previous Stront Dog stories). All arearmed, all are firing, downing some of the cops. Morag is a shapely andbeautiful girl; her only mutation is that her hair is whiteand her eyes red (albino).

MIDDEN: MORAG!

MORAG: JUMP FOR IT, BOYS!

12.With no hesitation, Midden and Douglas jump off the ramparts and plungedown towards the ground far below.

MIDDEN: HEELYA-HO!

13. While other(flying) muties continue to fire at the cops, Morag swoops down to grabMiddenface and arrest his plunge. A second mutie grabs Douglas.

MORAG: I’VE GOT YE, HANDSOME!

14. Close on Midden and Morag as they zoom away from the scene.

MORAG: THAT’S ONE YE OWE ME, MIDDENFACE!

MIDDEN: JUSTGI’E ME A GUN, HEN, AN’ I’LL PAY OFFTHE DEBT!

15. Semi-distance shot. Moragand the other mutie are speeding down with their human cargoes towards aparked truck, its rear doors open - they might already be flying in throughthe doors. Stencilled on the side is EDDIE MacSTOBART.

MORAG: NAENEED. THE BOYS’LL DO WHAT’S NECESSARY.

LINK: YOU’REGOIN’ ON A WEE VACATION!

16. Doors nowclosed, the truck drives off.

BLN FROM INSIDE: I DINNAE BELIEVEIT--

17. Interior, rear of truck.Middenface is astonished to see his granny there, seated on her rockingchair, knitting. Her soup ladle is close by. (I think we might have seenGranny before in an old Stront story, but I’m not sure.)

MIDDEN: GRANNY!

18.Two-shot, Granny and Middenface. Leave space for dialog.

MIDDEN: BUT- YOU’RE DEID! WE SAW YE IN THE POT--!

GRANNY: AWA’, YE BAMPOT! DO YE NO’ EVEN KEN YER AIN GRANNY?THAT WAS MY SOCIAL WORKER - SHE FELL IN WHILE SHE WAS STIRRIN’THE SOUP!

MIDDEN: THEN WHERE WERE YOU?

19. Headshot Granny, explaining.

GRANNY: THE SECOND SIGHT HAD COMEUPON ME. I HAD TO GO TO INVERNESS, TO CHANT BY MOONLIGHT, AN’ MEDITATE. AN’THIS IS WHAT I LEARNED--

LINK: YOUR FUTURE LIES ABROAD, MIDDENFACE - IN THEDEPTHS O’ WILDEST ENGLAND. THERE, YOU WILL JOIN FORCES WI’ THISMAN--

20. Two-shot. Granny holds up aposter - WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE. The picture shows young (about 15 or 16)Johnny Alpha in his "no surrender" pose. Middenface scoffs.

MIDDEN: ME - FIGHT ALONGSIDE A WEEPONCY-BOY? YE MUST BE JOKIN’!

21. Same two-shot, Middenface yelping as Granny bringsher soup ladle down hard on his head. BONK!

GRANNY: YE’LL DO WHITYER GRANNY TELLS YE, MIDDENFACE McNULTY!

MIDDEN: OW!

22. Final panel.Exterior view of the truck driving down the A1, passing a sign that saysLONDON - 350 MILES.

BLN FROM TRUCK: AN’ I’M COMIN’ ALONG TAEMAK’ SURE!

SFX FROM TRUCK: BONK!

BLN FROM TRUCK: OW!

THE END

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